Look at this fellow. He reckons he’s got a pretty sweet deal, fronting a rocking rock band before rocking rock fans. But the fellow’s going to have a shock when he realises – around album six, perhaps – that his band is a Certifiable Sack Of Shit With Nary An Ounce Of Originality Bouncing About Their Vacant Bonces. But the clues, man, the clues: they’ve been here for you to find. Just look at these song titles.
Man of Simple Pleasures – no shit.
Acid Turkish Bath (Shelter From the Storm) – wow.
Let’s Roll Like We Used To – like a shit-awful band that sound like other shit-awful bands to have come before them?
I Hear Voices – and copy the songs they’re singing.
Neon Noon – again, wow.
And these are just from your new album, sir! You managed to title your last collection West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum without twigging that it was a Truly Dogshite Title That Should Be Stamped Out Of Rock And Roll History By Any Means Possible. Congratulations! You’re an idiot!
In short: I don’t particularly rate Kasabian. I want them to stop. I need them to stop, or else daytime radio – across Radio 1, 2 and 6 Music, not to mention the commercial stations – will forever be burdened by their barrel-scrapings, denying others their rightful spot on playlists of diamond dust and gold leaf. Can you make them stop for me, please? I will send you a hamper of cheeses and biscuits.